Goddamn It

Goddamn it..not particularly sure what "it" is yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out by the end of this vent anyway- Goddamn whatever it will turn out to be.

I saw the Princess and the Frog. It was amazing. I thought that the movie was well written, the music was well composed and New Orleans was probably even well portrayed, although I can't say because I've never been there. But I'll be damned if one more person says that that movie was racist. The movie is about DIGGING DEEPER and looking toward to future, knowing that you're ALMOST THERE. And I honestly started to feel that way about our society when I watched that movie. Not even joking, I compare a bunch of my own reality to cartoons because they make a crap load more sense. So anyway, watching that movie I thought that it would be motivating for children to watch and to listen to and sing along with those songs, but I was clearly wrong. We don't know how to collectively DIG DEEPER into what the movie was really about because we're so damn caught up on what the characters looked like as opposed to what they were saying. FIRST of all, ALOT of the songs were sung by fucking ANIMALS...ANIMALS. They aren't even apart of our race (humanity) that we insist on breaking up into much smaller "races", only created as a basis of unfair societal treatment. The freaking frogs were GREEN. The alligator was GREEN. The lightning bug, GREEN and YELLOW. And Goddamn if it you assumed from watching that movie that African Voodoo is "scary" and/or "frightening," then it's because you're not EXPOSED to it enough which is totally not our own faults. If anyone is at fault, it's society and/or media for not teaching us about African traditions enough for us to not be frightened by it. Scar and Gaston aren't criticized for being too "scary" Goddamn it. So what the firefly doesn't have any teeth. EVERY RACE OF PEOPLE LOSE TEETH GODDAMN IT.

I hate talking about this guy because everyone else does it but here goes. When Barack Obama ran for President, he faced some of the toughest criticism around; he was not only harshly criticized about being the first Black president, but he was criticized because of his ideas. I'm not such a political guru, but I can tell when someone is doing something productive, and from the small glances of the news that I do catch, I do believe that maybe..just maybe he is helping this country out more than we know right now. And furthermore, his receiving the Nobel Prize was a bit sudden and seemingly unnecessary to some, but think about it-when you combine every bit of offensive criticism that Obama faced with every bit of hatred that he endured, based SOLEY on his race, the composure that he maintained can be compared to the composure maintained by Dr. Martin Luther King in 1956 when his house was bombed. People have to realize that WE LIVE IN A DIFFERENT TIME PERIOD- Obama is not going to face the same trials and tribulations faced y Dr. King because it's a new day and I'd like to believe that the country is a bit more secure with people in positions like his and like Dr. King's. What's most important though is not what they faced, but how they handled it...and that's why they won the prizes that they won. People criticizing them and being hateful toward his receiving of the award only a. causes so much irony, seeing as it's a PEACE award and b. allows for more of a reason FOR him winning it- he's maintaining his composure whether you like it or not. And on top of it all when he's finished, that man is going to sit back, relax, and say he did something in this country, I bet you that much.

So, I just vented about the Princess and the Frog and somehow jumped to Barack Obama. I'm strange and I love it. judge me if you want, but I'll maintain my composure and when I win the peace prize, I'll keep on maintaining it.

Rawr.

Surge FAIL

So, I had this surge of energy...positive energy..going for a while now. Beginning of senior year, first time in a while I've been genuinely happy or elated....now I'm genuinely sad.

I'm weak.

And this blog is going to be well, straightforward. I get away with making intellectually intelligent statements, but I beat around the bush...which I just found out-Americans enjoy (ignorance). So, I beat around the bush, sound like I know what I'm saying and I get total agreement.

Not to say that I won't get agreement from telling the whole truth-I may, but I just need to let some things go.

I used to think that that which I had was not sufficient enough for me. To be more specific, He whom I had, was not sufficient enough for me.

stop.pause.chelsea..mooda..talking about guys? She doesn't even LIKE those things! yeck!...but I promised to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth...so help me, galaxy..ugh here goes..

So, to me, He whom i had wasn't sufficient enough for me. And I go through a couple other people to find that-he IS sufficient enough for me, flaws and all....but I shouldn't have had to go through other people. I shouldn't have had to leave. I shouldn't have had to hurt someone solely because I have bad judgement of my own. I shouldn't have gone back to Him, only to hear...better yet READ "you're just not what I need right now, sorry."

Sorry? Sorry?! Why is He whom I treated so harshly, fell so hard for and reminisce about to this day saying sorry to me?? I've poured every bit of my negative energy into what we had between us, walked away and expected Him to be okay! Sorry? He should be furious. He should hate me. He should stone me.

This would be so much easier if I didn't still spend awkward time with Him. If there wasn't some relationship that we're forced to have. And now I'm just thinking...about how easy it's going to be when there are more than a few miles between us. When He's becoming who He wants to be and I'm becoming who I want to be.

...You wanna know what I found when I was going through other people?....People too afraid to admit when they're happy, or admit when they're sad...to afraid to respond to my "I miss you" with "I miss you too."

People to afraid to call me when they had a problem, too afraid to ask me for help..maybe not afraid, maybe stolid, i dont know...

People too afraid to show me that they're people..

People too afraid to make me feel as good as I make them feel...

People afraid to be themselves...

People afraid to be free...

People afraid to let loose and dream without restrictions...

People afraid to be Him=\

I can't wait until the next life. I can't wait until I'm born with the mind capacity to automatically love Him, no questions, and no need to develop my mind to see that.

cornered

"I keep on slipping deeper into myself and I'm scared, so scared."
-ak

Alone.
Surrounded.
Rejected.
Received.
Bored.
Busy.
Ashamed.
Proud.
Wanting.
Content.
Creative.
Blank.

Simultaneously.

Ugh.

i dont know

Hah I feel like rev run right now blogging on my blackberry but I don't have any particular mantra, just letting paul know that I'm still alive lol..maybe along the way ill find something paycological to bring to whatever I say....so not too long ago I strarted working at the ever so wonderful chick fil a...and its been fine..just..okay so I never really do anything outside of my school and when I do, its with people who have the same progressive mindset as I do...I'm just going to begin this story to say that I sat down with a guy who was willing to tell me ALL the types of white people..and another guy and a girl who were convinced that I was I a wealthy devout Christian because of my school...I talk to too many people like myself and that's a problem because I'm getting nowhere...I'm realizing how much easier it is to find people with the same evolutionary goals as yourself and express them as opposed to people who don't give a fuck...and that's because..get ready for it-in all the time we take aside to talk about diversity we never talk about DIVESITY OF OPINION...which is why we get nowhere as a society sometimes...and sometimes we bash other peoples opinions without even giving them suggestions or solutions as to how to fix them...prime example..I go to a predominantly white private school..a kid have his senior speech on how much he hated the school and how if he had the chance to go back and do it again, he wouldn't (let's put aside the amount of black males in America who already don't get a quality education for a second and look at where he is coming from) okay agreed you're black and majority of the people around you are white, of course its a difference coming from predominantly black schools I did...and maybe some things happened that you would like to blame on race..okay,so if it were really that much of a problem to you,sir, then why didn't you fight and stand up for it? If you had a horrible time at the school, GREAT! That leaves you room to make it better for the people who come after you..I don't think Huey p Newton Malcolm x and assata shakur did what they did just for themselves...but hey maybe they did...idk..I'm bored and tired and don't know what I'm saying anymore so that's a wrap

India, you are SO your hair lol

Soo, I'm better...no longer "trapped.." I went skating:]..its very soothing
alright so this weekend was the beginning of the search for prom attire. I quit with traditionalism, and am officially wearing jeans to prom..fuck you and everything youve heard of...
And in the process of doing so, I started thinking about how I'm going to do my hair..
I dont understand why sometimes we keep our hair natural, only to perm, hide, or press it..
Every style that I'd though about for my hair included one of the three options..
Can I just give in now?
I mean really, I follow all the other rules, can I break this one about being my black self?
I was reading this exerpt from Malcolm X's autobiography that was talking about his first perm haha he was all pump and then he did it and looked int he mirror like, whoa...I look like them....
But I'm realizing that...I don't dislike white people....
I just dislike some of the policies and ideals instilled by what was majority white in history..sme of these things that are still being enforced today...
So, assimilating with appearance, is that bad? Is that fair?
I mean, clearly in media, we NEVER ever see "nappy" haired black people because that's just not attractive to whoever chooses what media can publish...
can i give in?

I don't know..
I love people..
I love brown..
I love beige..
I love olive...
I love pink...
I love tan..
I love straight...
I love extra curly...
I love blue..
I love black...
I love all...
and I'm true to myself mentally, soo can I give in to one phsysical change?
...straightening my hair for prom...

Trapped...

Lately, I've been feeling really trapped. I've been feeling trapped and so afraid of what's going to come of me. I'm only trapped because I'm pulling myself back, but if I play into what's happening around me, I'll be untrue to myself...
I'm one of the only people around who'll actually say what she's thinking...and when I do...apparently my thoughts...the ones that I thought were the most progressive...the most accepting...are..well, mean....maybe we aren't and can't always be what we want...maybe our thoughts of ourselves can't ever and will never be paralell with those of others...
I mean..the phrase "live alittle" means nothing to me because i AM living when I stand up for some of the things I believe in...

I AM living alittle when I listen to lauryn hill, wu tang, common, lupe, stephanie mills, luther vandross, and the delfonics instead of gucci mane, lil wayne, and soulja boii..

I AM living alittle when I try my best to treat the people around me with respect and respect their opinions, whether different or the same---the same way I encourage people to do so through race, age, gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomix status, etc...

I AM living as a 16-year old who's never experimented with nor do i WANT to experiment with drugs and sex...

I AM living alittle when I write, when I color, when I play with play-doh...

I AM living alittle...As a matter of a fact, I'm living as MUCH as I feel possible right now, and I try my best to let everyone else live and love as much as they want, so WHY is it a problem when I want to do so?...

Is it that I point out the things I don't appreciate as much as the things I do?--i actually only do that with music but Ive never even said that gucci n wayne and them are bad...just that they dont talk about things...they have so mnuch potential I just wish they'd rap more progressively...but hey maybe they are progressive outside of my mindset...but teach me i want to know...
Is it that I don't care enough about your needs?
Is it that you're so trapped in the world of dying that your jealousy causes you to shun me for living as much as I want? ..
Tell me because I'm not getting it...
I'm lost and it starts to get hard to live when you make bad comments about my gestures...
I'm trying to live, but when theres so many other people around you, who aren't letting you....thats hard to do...

Was "live and let live" just a tease phrase?

tired

Really tired, just got in from school
Just have a small mantra today..
Don't speak wrongly against or condemn someone for doing something because they differ from you in any of the following areas:
race
social economic status
sexual orientation
appearance
ability
age
or gender
[or if you just plain don't like them]
and then turn around and condone the same action when someone of the same [insert social division area] as you [or someone you don't have issues with] does it.

That may be confusing, but here's some examples...

SO, there's a girl. She's gay. She's come out the the entire school. It's been done. It's okay. We know she's gay. whooptee fucking doo...Her profile picture is of her kissing another girl (not like graphically kissing but like...you know how sometimes people make those kissy faces at one another? it's one of those playful type pictures that many people have). Someone said "Ew..did you see [so and so]'s profile picture kissing [so and so]?"...First of all, you're not in it so that's how much the picture has to do with you..Secondly, YOU HAVE PLENTY of pictures like that with other girls. It's FUNNY its PLAYFUL they're not even having SEX in the picture and already you're upset with her because..well...why are you?
This said person also happens to have a huge crush on a female celebity...alright...so what? Why is it disgusting that she has an inhumane crush on a female celebrity but its fine that every twilight fan in the world has an abnormal crush on Edward?...

Example number two...
Today is April fools..
One girl [that one said person who will be mentioned later doesnt like] wore a wig to school...that well, for a second could have passed as her hair...it was funny stuff
Another girl [who this said person has no problems with whatsoever] put icing on a carboard box and made it look like a delicious cake and gave it to her friends....funny stuff...

Person who was mentioned before says (after finding out about both jokes): so she [the girl with the wig] went out and bought a wig just for april fools??? That's stupid
nothing more...
nada mas..
no comments made about the other girl icing and ENTIRE BOX...

not i'm not saying that we should all live and let live
that we should all be kind to everyone even fi theyre different...althought that would be nice...
but say how you actually FEEL not how you would want to feel
for the first situation...don't pretend that you accept this girl being gay to her face btu then turn around and talk about things she does behind her back..
now i actually give a little credit to the girl in the second situation because she actually says "I hate her" --referring to the wig girl--all the time...so atleast she's speaking her opinion...it's just an ignorant one...



SO that was a nice rant....
ive spoken the peace that i needed to get out today and i am thoroughly pleased..
<33 Mooda